I don't deserve
by Yuki Eiri Zh
Summary: A great relationship being destroyed by the constructor
1. Two sides of the road

Well. This is just the beginning, and it's not finished yet. So, if anyone can tell me if it's a good enough start or if something isn't clear or needs revising, I'll do so asap. Well, this chapter is somewhat almost finished, either it is, or i can find a place to add more. I hope none are offended by the OOCness. (out of character) Don't worry, if you wanna see more angst, just give me a while and it'll get there. Heh, wrote the 2nd half while waiting for my turn at some line.

* * *

A tall blonde haired man sits on his chair, staring at his laptop. He whips out a cigarette and lights it. He hears a running noise, getting louder and louder. It stops with a bang on his door. "Yuki-chan! I know you're in there! Let me in!" Before Yuki can reach his door, the small glossy pink haired boy opens and closes the door. "You know, you should lock your doors, or someone might come in and steal your stuff." Shuichi breathes hard, holding onto a chair.   
  
"If that's all you're here to tell me, then you wasted your time..." Yuki walks over to Shuichi and holds him in his arms.   
  
O.o "Uhhh.. Yuki?.. oh well, it can wait." Shuichi returns his hug and manages to lick Yuki's face. His puppy eyes hypnotizes Yuki for second, and they both stand up.   
  
"So, why are you here?"   
  
"Hmm.. Ok.. well. Every time I see you, physically, you're happy to see me. But when I go home and speak to you either on the phone or by IM you're SO different. It's like... you've got distance to defend yourself from the words you say." Shuichi stares at the floor, tears forming.   
  
"Well, if you stopped acting like an idiot and like a brat most of the time, maybe I'd have less things to complain to you about."   
  
"WHAT?" Shuichi jumps at his criticism. "Even though I was like this for all this time, you didn't seem to mind at all! What made you hate me all of a sudden?" Shuichi shudders, knowing how real it feels. Yuki has always been joking, rudely even, but now, his eyes are cold and are as serious as ever.   
  
"I don't know.. it's something that you do, the way you act, how you say things to me. It's getting too pestering for my taste."   
  
Shuichi gazes blankly at Yuki, trying to hold back his tears. "Why didn't you tell me it actually mattered earlier.."   
  
"Eh.. Well, why did you have to act like so?" Yuki walks towards Shuichi. "It might be better off, if you took some time to settle down. Then, maybe you can be more rational." He pushes Shuichi towards the door.   
  
"Bu-bu-but... I love you Yuki-chan! Don't push me away. Please! I can change!" Tears stream down his soft cheeks.   
  
Yuki's gentle hand wipes away his tears. "Don't cry." He smiles. Shuichi presses his hands against his cheek.   
  
"You love me too, right? You just want me to change a little, right? I can do that for you Yun-chan. Anything for you." He hugs his lover tightly. "It won't take long, I promise!"   
  
After Yuki hears him walk down the hallway sniffing, he slips into his chair, exhausted. He takes out a can of mango juice and slowly sips it away. "Gomen ne, Shu-chan. I don't know if it's possible for either of us..."  
  
10 weeks later  
  
"How can you keep Shu crying like that? What happened to you?" A serious yet fearful gaze appears on the short blonde haired man.  
  
"Shu-chan has to go and forget this. Toham, I can't keep him with me any longer." His insides tesns as he thinks about what he's saying. He does care, he just can't give enough back. He doesn't deserve such kindness and care from Shu-chan.   
  
"Well. If you haven't seen him, he's crying his eyes out over you! He's trying his best to change his ways. For you!" He clenches his fists and slams the table. "Stop torturing him like this!"   
  
"I'm not making him stay. Tell him it's a waste of his time. It's better if he goes." Yuki turns around and walks to the other side of the room. He firmly grabs his chest, right over where his heart lays.   
  
"You're really something. And I thought you were someone special to me too." Tohma turns around, "You know how much you mean to me.. but if you could do this to him, maybe you could do it to me too.. Makes me sort of glad I didn't continue." He grabs the door and disappears, leaving the slamming sound of the door in Yuki's head. He droops his head and heads to lock the door. He steps on a piece of paper. The paper is a light pinkish color. He unfolds it and stares at the writing. There're tearstains and smudges all over the paper. The thing that catches his attention is at the bottom of the letter. It looks like it was splattered with the color red. He starts to read the letter. The handwriting is unfamiliar, but after the first few words, he knew who wrote it.  
  
_ He won't come back? Make him. Tell him. Please help. Everyday,  
he ignores my conversations. He's drifting away. I don't think it's  
even possible anymore. Before I sleep every night, I don't see the  
light above me. The light I saw was there when he still cared. I saw  
it again last night, so I thought you can make him remember me. This  
morning I woke up crying. I didn't have a memorable dream, but I could  
feel the sadness growing inside of me. I don't know when I can sleep  
without having to cry. I need him back. Please help me. I know he  
truly cares still deep inside. Thanks. Don't forget to tell him,  
sheki. Something I made up and only we know..._  
  
Yuki couldn't finish reading it. For some reason, his vision got too blurry to read. He rests his hand under his eyes and feels the warm wet teardrops falling, forming a small puddle in the palm of his hands. The tears were tinted with a bright crimson glow. He looks outside to see the sunset fading into the darkness of the night. "I'm so sorry I couldn't make your wish come true. I'm not sure if it's me you want to spend those precious moments with. Sheki, Shu-chan. Even though you don't see it." 


	2. Remember?

Need more ideas . gotta think. Well, have fun and guess what'll happen next. - There'll be one big description at the last chapter, containing how this came to be. for now, have pity on shuichi.

* * *

"Shu hasn't been coming for the past recitals. Do you know what's wrong?" Hiro looks puzzling at Tohma, wondering if he's got an answer. "I know, you may not know... but do you have anything?"  
  
"Shu may not even come back.." replies Tohma.  
  
"Nani? What do you mean? Did something happen to his family? Is he hurt?" Hiro bursts out of his chair, as if someone stabbed him with a pin. "I'm going to have a chat with him."  
  
Tohma sadly looks at Bad Luck's ratings. "Don't try. At least not now. If he didn't come here for the past few days, I doubt anything will change his mind. Even though there's a concert coming up, he might not even show and we'll have to cancel it."  
  
Hiro winces at the thought. Nothing can bring Shuichi back? What could've been so horrible that it'd make him never to come back? "Tell me, since you're so certain. Why won't he come back? Does he not likes us?"  
  
Tohma shakes his head. He sighs and places his hands behind his head. "To put it in the shortest terms, it's Yuki's fault. I don't know why Yuki is like this right now, but it's making Shuichi suffer." Tohma watches as Hiro is engulfed in a rage of anger.  
  
"I'm going to beat Yuki to a pulp and make him apologize to Shuichi. He can't do that to my best friend. I'm going to raid his house, burn his books, get K's gun and stuff and threaten Yuki. He must pay for what he did to Shu!" Hiro bounces around and raises his fists, showing Tohma what he'll do to Yuki when he sees him.  
  
"You really think that will help? This is the problem. Yuki has lost interest in Shuichi and wants him to desert him. If you hurt Yuki, you'll be hurting Shuichi. I don't think that's what you want to do"  
  
Hiro lowers his hands and looks at the floor, unable to think what he can do. "Well, I guess I can just talk to Shuichi and try to get him to feel better. I don't know how much it'll help, but if it helps, it's worth it." He walks out and heads for Shuichi's house. His emotions are all tangled up, not knowing what he can do and what the future has in store for them.  
  
"I sure hope you can help him... I tried my best already," sighs Tohma. He looks out the window, to see dark clouds gathering up on this lively spring day. "Those clouds won't bring us the happy droplets we saw every day years ago. This time, it'll bring sorrow and devastating outcomes."  
  
---  
  
The rain pounding on the windows only make his depression worst. The lightning flashes brightly about the sky. The many pieces of metal on the table reflect the light from the skies. He walks over and shakes a bottle, listening to the rattle of the things inside. He looks at the wavy reflection on his bed from the water on his window. He closes his eyes and thinks about his life. "Do I really want to do this? Of course I do. Even though he doesn't care, I care. I'll do this to make him see me. I'll make him remember. He hurt me, just pushing me away. I'll make him hurt whenever I have the chance. Time to torture him back."  
  
---  
  
He has just finished taking a shower, wearing his silky PJs and pink slippers, and is just about to go sleep. The phone rings and the novelist walk over to the phone. He picks it up and listens. After a few seconds, he speaks, "If there's no one on the other side, then I'm going to hang up." Just before he hangs up, he hears a loud crash coming from the phone. He hears someone's voice on the phone, breathing heavily and speaking in short bursts. "...myself... if you don't... come back. I can't even smile... a real one anymore... or even think correctly... I've already started... I've taken these... pills... whatever they were... I just wanted... you... to know..." A loud crash of thunder cuts off the phone line.  
  
"Dead!" Yuki throws it on the floor. The words that Shuichi said begin to seep into his mind. He's so frightened, that his heart races while skipping beats. A great deal of pain shoots through his body, "AHHHHH!" He grabs himself, falling on the floor, unable to control his movements. His dark eyes grow blank at the thought of his love one dying. His body trembles on the cold floor. He pictures Shuichi clenching himself and coughing up blood. He sees his energy being drained away, leaving his pale body in a pool of his own blood. Yuki touches his face feeling the coldness of his sweat. The thunder continues to roar as his heart beats in his mind. He gets up and stares at the window. He sees himself crying with the falling rain, having his arms tightly around his body and hands around his neck. "How could I've done this to him," cries Yuki. He chokes and stands quivering. He falls on his bed and smothers his face with his pillow.  
  
He remembers the note he didn't finish reading. Through the dimly lit room, he searches for it, scrambling around in his drawers. He grabs a piece of paper and stares at it. It was too dark to see it, but a flash of lightening emits just enough light to see it. It is a picture that he and Shuichi took when they went on their first "date". He could remember exactly what they said, while embracing one another. "Nothing will ever tears us apart. I promise." He drops the picture on the floor as their conversations flood his mind. "Why did I do this.. why..." He grabs opens his patio door and dashes into the stormy night. "Coldness, just like what I feel in my heart. I can't leave that little brat to do something stupid to himself." He flees into the darkness, wearing his PJs, feeling every drop of water on his skin. The wind blows hard against his face, trying to stop him from telling Shuichi of his feelings. Within the depths of all of his guilt, only one thought runs through his mind. "I'm so sorry Shuichi. I need to apologize to him." He stops inside a park. "Geh. Everywhere looks the same." The rain is pouring down harder and colder. The guilt of him killing the one he cared most tears away at his heart. He drops to the floor, out of breath. His eyes burn from crying uncontrollably. Only sounds he can hear through the rumbling of the storm is Shuichi's voice, "We're going to have a future together. I can feel it." How can they have a future if he dies? His body collapses at this thought, bringing face to meet the frozen concrete. The coldness creep inside his body, immobilizing him. Still, his soul somehow manages to gather enough energy to allow him crawl out of the park. When he looks up, he realizes he's in front of Shuichi's house. His will has brought him here. He needs to regain the love that he has mistakenly destroyed.  
  
He gets up and looks through the windows, trying to find which one Shuichi wass in. When he spots a table with a couple of knives and medication capsules covered with blood, he knew it was his room. The room was too dark to see if he was inside, but he refused to go home empty handed. He rapped on the window, not too loud since he doesn't want to wake anyone else up. He hears feet shuffling and the blinds being moved aside. Their eyes meet, one tear stained face soaked in rain and one pale shaken face with red marks on his cheeks. The pain beats within his body, knocking him to the ground. But even in his unconscious state, he could faintly hear the sniffling of his lover's cries, "I thought I lost all hope..."  
  
AN: What Yuki doesn't know, is that Shuichi has totally changed his views and his feelings. Nothing in the world could change what Yuki has done to him. Even through their love and their promises, Shuichi can't forget, consciously or unconsciously, and that will fatefully determine their care for one another.  
  
Also, can you believe it? I wrote most of the ending part in the bathroom . Sorry for those two long paragraphs. Should I make it all past/present?


	3. Really

"SO?!? SO?!?" Shuichi prances around the room, clutching his hands with puppy eyes. "Did I do well?" His voice filled with anticipation.

"Hmph. 'Course. Why wouldn't you? Actually, I could've done better. Hah!"

Shuichi tightly closes his eyes, . "I'd love to see you try."

"Nah. It's ok. I was only kidding!"

Shuichi wraps his arms around the novelist. He realizes that Yuki has grown softer, in both ways. He's not at all mean, or saying unintentional rude comments. He likes that about him, but something still lurks within himself. "Lets go celebrate, Ne! I'm hungry!" Shuichi's stomach growls loudly at the thought of eating lasagna. Shuichi blushes and looks at the ceiling. "Yeah, I know you're hungry too. Thinking about what to write can work up a nice appetite."

"I'm not that h..."

"Since you're SO hungry, lets go eat some food."

"Fine.. fine..." sighs Yuki. He grabs his hand and begins to exit. "Errr... Where're we going...?"

-- "I thought you knew... Oh well. I guess..."

"Coffee ice cream. Yup." Yuki laughs as he remembers the past. "Remember? When you were on inside the store, you were all tired and stuff, but when someone mentioned coffee, you woke up from your dream and yelled out coffee ice cream and knocked the coffee out of the store manager's hand. I don't know if I remembered correctly, but I think you began licking coffee off of his shirt. I never knew you liked coffee that much.

Shuichi's face turns bright red as that event begins to sink in. "I know I know! But, HEY! Wasn't it YOU who... you know what I mean. Lets go!" Shuichi runs, pulling Yuki behind him.

A second after they've left, a loud sigh comes from the room. "Well, they seem happier than ever." He crosses his arms and dozes off. "now I can get some rest and stop my worrying since..." A loud explosion sends Hiro lurching forward out of his chair. "WTF was that?!?!"

He bites and rips up the already blown up and burning pieces of a Shuichi plushy. _Gah!!! I thought that by the way I was saying things, it'd still make Hiro get that pink haired freak out of his life. I guess that my trick didn't work. BAH!!! My Yuki...Gone...forever... _He stops tearing up what's left of the doll and zones out, thinking about what he could be doing with him.

"Tohma, what are you doing? You nearly blew up the room with that thing. Geez. I guess I'll go now."


End file.
